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WEB SITE TERMS OF USE
Wow! You
actually came to this page. Our lawyers made us include it and
made us use a precious button on our home page to get you
here. At first, we thought the lawyers were a real pain. But
then we read the page. What a Netwakening! It's really
important stuff. We took the legalese the lawyers wrote and
translated it into readable English. So be a smart nethead and
read the stuff on this page. It could prevent you from hearing
from our lawyers, or worse yet, from really nasty people, like
prosecutors.
Here's the
deal:
We run this
site so that people like you (and people you like) can use it
for personal entertainment, information, education,
communication, and cybergratification. So go ahead and browse
around all you like. You can even download stuff from the site
but only for non-commercial, personal use. If you do, though,
don't fool around with the copyright and other notices all
over the stuff. They're there for a really good reason. And
don't even think about distributing, modifying, transmitting,
reusing, re-posting, or anything else uncool with any of the
stuff, including the text, images, audio, and video, for
public or commercial purposes unless we give you written
permission. And it's not likely we will.
If you
visit our site, you're also legally obligated to [read: stuck
with] the terms and conditions listed below and any other law
or regulation that applies to the site, the Internet, the
World Wide Web, or Los Angeles, CA. You shouldn't access or
browse the site if you have any problem with that, because
once you start, there's no turning back -- you are bound by
[read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.
So here's
the scoop on our Top Ten Rules for Cybersurfers who hang out
on our site:
1.For
everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the site is
copyrighted unless we say it's not. So you can't use the stuff
except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the
site without our written permission. And like we said before,
it's not likely we'll give you permission anyway. In fact,
even if we wanted to, the lawyers are likely to veto any deal
anyway. So it's better you don't even ask.
2. While we
try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising
you it's accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything
except fun and entertainment. So if you use stuff on the site,
you're using it at your own risk. Don't call us if there's a
problem because we assume no liability or responsibility for
errors or omissions on the site.
3.We and
anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the
site are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use
it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know that our
disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential,
indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to,
or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing,
everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT
WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING,
BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY,
FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT.
Please note
that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied
warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to
you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations
regarding the exclusion of implied warranties. " Ugh!
What a mouthful from the mouthpieces. We put all of that in
quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it
that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line --
we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site
damages you or your computer or infects it with any nasty
viruses. We sure hope that doesn't happen, but if it does,
don't call us.
4. If you
don't want the world to know something, don't post in on the
site in any bulletin board or anyplace else. That's because
anything you disclose to us is ours. That's right -- ours. So
we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can
reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast
it, and post it someplace else. We can even send it to your
mother (as soon as we find her address). Not only that, we can
even use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post
any way we want to, including, developing, manufacturing and
marketing products or other stuff using the information you
post.
5. Pictures
of people or places shown on the site are either our property
or someone else's property we're using with their permission.
No matter what, it's definitely not your property. You or any
of your net-friends can't use it unless we said you could on
this page or somewhere else on the site. And guess what -- we
won't say yes. So be careful, Bunky, because unauthorized use
may violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart, keep the stuff
you download to yourself.
6. There's
also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks on the site
that either we own or we're using with someone else's
permission. So don't think you have any kind of license or
right to use them, because you don't and we're not about to
give you one. If you don't leave them alone and mess with our
trademarks, logos and service marks on our site, we'll
probably go ballistic, so will the companies that own the
other trademarks, logos and service marks. That means that
we're likely to sue you or to ask a prosecutor to come after
you for messing around with our property or the property of
others.
7. You'll
probably notice we've linked our site to lots of others. While
that's cool, it doesn't mean we've looked at all those sites,
much less checked them out periodically to see what's going
on. So don't blame us if some site you link to is bad or has
stuff on it that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link,
but remember, you're doing it at your risk.
8. That
brings us to what you do on our own site. While we
occasionally listen in on chat groups, or look at the posting
in our discussion groups or on our bulletin boards, we take no
responsibility and assume no liability for the content of
those locations or for any mistakes, defamation, libel,
slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or
profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on
our site. And don't be stupid by posting or transmitting any
unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene,
scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or
profane material or any material that law enforcement types
may consider a criminal offense, get someone in court on a
civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any law -- anywhere,
anytime. While we certainly respect your privacy, we have no
choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement
authorities or court which might ask us who might have posted
nasty stuff on our site.
9. Software
that we use on this Site is protected by all sorts of
patriotic U.S. laws. Because of that, you can't download or
send the software to anyone in the vacation travel spots of
Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran, Syria, or any other
country where United States has embargoed goods; or (get this)
to anyone on the United States Treasury Department's list of
Specially Designated Nationals, the U.S. Commerce Department's
Table of Deny Orders, or the FBI's Most Wanted Internet Creeps
List (just kidding on the last one). As if that were not tough
enough, if you live in or are a national of any of those
lovely places, you're not even supposed to be reading this
page, so beat it!
10 We're
also allowed to change this page and anything else on the site
any time we want to. That's because it's ours and we have the
programmers who can do it. If we do change the page, then
you're bound by [read: stuck with] those changes, too,
whenever you visit our site.
11. If
either of us wants to make something of it and wants to “sue”
(a dirty word) then we have to follow these rules of
engagement. (sort of according to the Geneva Convention):
This
Agreement is governed by the laws of the State of Kentucky,
without regard to principles of conflict of laws.
To the
extent you have in any manner violated or threatened to
violate BirthdayMagicology.comand/or its affiliates'
intellectual property rights, BirthdayMagicology.comand/or its
affiliates may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief
in any state or federal court in the State of Kentucky, and
you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such
courts.
Any other
disputes will be resolved as follows:
If a
dispute arises under this agreement, we agree to first try to
resolve it with the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator in
the following location: Kuttatta, Kentucky. Any costs and fees
other than attorney fees associated with the mediation will be
shared equally by each of us.
If it
proves impossible to arrive at a mutually satisfactory
solution through mediation, we agree to submit the dispute to
binding arbitration at the following location: Kuttawa,
Kentucky, under the rules of the American Arbitration
Association. Judgment upon the award rendered by the
arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction to
do so.
If this all
sounds kind of mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen
what the lawyers gave to us in the first place. We had to
remind them that human torture and sacrifice was outlawed in
the United States. Boy, did they look disappointed!
August 26,
2009
BirthdayMagicology.com
This
Legal Document Was Produced Using AutoWebLaw
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